It’s been a while, a long while and honestly, I don’t have any excuse. Other than the nasty bug called depression. I have wanted to blog and wanted to record videos, I just have lacked any motivation and will power for the past few months. Honestly, it was a really hard place to be. Anyone who has delt with depression, I’m sure, can relate to the feeling of wanting to do something productive, but not being able to because you don’t feel like you care enough. Depression is something I’ve delt with for a long time and for me it seems to come and go. And this bout was one of the stronger ones. So, I’m sorry for not being here, I’ve somewhat sorted my sh** out and feel like I am on the mend!
Life seems to present the most random opportunities to improve upon yourself. April 6th of this year marked the 4th year since my mom passed away and I expected to be just as depressed, maybe even more so, wallow in my own misery and be a total bitch to everyone. But to my surprise it was the opposite, I was relatively positive, although I had my moments, and I went to the gym…twice! Considering I hadn’t been to the gym in over a month this was a total surprise to me, and I biked 12 miles!! Which may not seem like much to some. But this was a huge accomplishment for me. This sudden behavioral change didn’t happen randomly, I know exactly what I did differently, and I want to share it with you.
Instead of ignoring and rejecting my emotions and feelings, and numbing myself with binge eating and self harm, like I’ve done in years past, I felt them. I felt every single emotion and accepted them as they came, and let them run their path. I didn’t hold on to them or didn’t ignore them, It was like watching a boat pass you by on a river. This was a completely foreign concept to me, in fact, it terrified me. I thought that if I let my emotions surface, and not try and push them down, then they would take over and I would be out of control. It was the opposite, I found a great sense of relief in accepting my emotions, it was like taking off a bra made of anvils after 12 hour day and it was one of the most freeing experiences of my life.
It is not an easy thing to do, and I didn’t succeed in doing this the whole day, there were moments when I found my self trying to push my emotions back into a dark corner where they couldn’t be felt. That may work for a while, but eventually that dark corner gets full, and the feelings and emotions you hid, start showing their face again. And then you have a big emotional mess on your hands, weighing you down.
Picture a soft flowing creek in the middle of the woods, the water slowing flowing over the rocks, and as the leaves start to fall from the trees, some land in the water. Now picture your self standing on the bank of the creek, silent, just watching the water, and a leaf flows down, over the rocks and down the creek until its out of sight. Did seeing that leaf change your out look on the world or your self or others? No, it was simply a floating leaf. Now, picture each leaf you see, as an emotion, and watch that emotion float down the river, past you and out of sight. This is a technique I use and I find it extremely helpful for processing emotions and not getting stuck in them. Emotions that I may be scared to accept and let pass on.
This is something I have wanted to share and talk about, but like many things in my life, fear was holding me back. I hope what I have shared can help one of you. Depression is something almost everyone struggles with at some point of their life. It is important to remember that it does get easier, and there are tools to help you get through it. I hope all of you are doing well, I challenge you all, as I am challenging myself, to find something positive in your life, every time a negative thought comes up and see how that changes your out look, let me know what works for you.
Thanks for reading! ❤