It’s been a while since I’ve been here. And quite a bit has happened since my last post! For starters I’m no longer in Utah, I moved to California two weeks ago! It has been quite the adjustment, but I’m learning to love it. Lets be honest, being minuets from the beach could never be bad, it’s about making sure I appreciate it.
Since my trip to the UK, which was life changing, I hit a plateau with my weight and fitness. I dropped a few pounds on the trip which was a great feeling because it was harder than I thought to remain on my food plan while traveling. After returning home I found my self in a funk, where I said my health mattered, but I continued to not loose weight, not workout and binge eat on highly unhealthy foods. Sometimes on a daily basis. I am still working my way out of the depression I dug myself into, my self esteem was extremely low and every bite of bad food came with some sort of inward insult that took a toll on me.
I reached a point, maybe you could call it rock bottom, where I realized I couldn’t keep living with the depression I was holding onto, nothing mattered more to me than being happy, and for me to be honestly and truly happy, I have to be healthy. Part of this realization was my move to California. The environment here is completely different, the biggest thing is everyone is always outside! It’s sometimes cooler outside than it is inside! The lifestyle and energy feels so much more active and health focused, maybe it’s because there are more people or because I can’t hide away in my unhealthy habits here. Whatever it is, I have never been more motivated.
A few days after arriving I realized I was watching my life waste away and that scared me, so I went to the closest gym and bought a membership. Included with my membership was a free fitness assessment, if there ever was one moment that woke me up, that was it! As embarrassing as it is, its where I am and I will never be weaker and as unhealthy as I was that day. I could only do one push up, and hold a plank for barely 10 seconds. I got winded walking on the treadmill and sweated harder than I ever have. Even though part of me wanted to run out crying and never come back, I stayed and by the end I was satisfied because I knew I would never feel this embarrassed and discontent ever again.
After that experience I was at the gym every day, but realized it wasn’t enough because I didn’t really know what I was doing. I bought a five week training program with a trainer, who is great! I just had my first session with her on Tuesday and I have never been more sore and never felt more accomplished before. There is something different about my motivation now, I’m not timing my gym sessions and counting down till the time I can leave. I actually want to be there. I enjoy working out till I’m sweating like crazy, and I enjoy waking up sore because it know I am healthier than I was the day before. I have made a list of food I can eat, a list that I can’t eat, and am in my third day of not straying from those lists. The cravings are starting to fade. I don’t deny that my addiction to food is still extremely prevalent, I am changing that habit, and working on getting the same satisfaction from exercise that I do from food. There is one difference that has stuck out to me, which is the feelings I get from exercise don’t turn into low self esteem and self hatred The positive feelings I get from exercise stay with me, instead of disappearing after a few minutes.
For the first time in a long time I can see my self healthy and having a productive life, and there is nothing to stop me from getting there!
See you tomorrow,