This is a question that I have asked my self quite a few times since I posted my last blog post. Even though in that post I promised posts and follow up and weight loss, nothing has happened. Ok, that’s not a fair judgment, I have been working on my self quite a bit. I just haven’t written about it. I was afraid, if I wrote about it, then I would have to keep going, and keep improving. I would have this digital record of the promises that I made to my self. I then realized, that’s why this blog is here, yes I want to help other people, and hopefully I am. First and foremost, I created this blog to keep my self accountable and aware and to get healthy. If I wrote it down then I couldn’t hide or run away from it. That’s why I am back…again.
I have been working incredibly hard, not just on my self, but in general as well. My job keeps me busy and as much as I complain about how tired I am when I get home. It feels good. Coming home from work after an 8 hour shift and being tired is a much better feeling than being tired because you’ve been sleeping all day. I have discovered that I have a habit of making goals, and never taking the needed steps to reach them, then getting upset or feeling depressed that the goals weren’t achieved, It’s habit I picked up from my mom and all it does is hurt me.
That is what I had been doing with my health. Talking about being fit, being healthy and shopping in “regular stores”. I wasn’t really taking any solid steps towards those goals. I would try and cut my food down for a few days to what I thought were “normal” portion sizes, but never actually checking the nutritional label for the recommended portion sizes. After a few days I would have a little bit of a cookie, then half of a cookie, then another little piece and I would lie to my self about how much I was actually eating. About a month ago I had gotten pasta for myself, brown rice, so obviously it wouldn’t be that unhealthy if I had the whole bag. Of course I would start with only one bowl, and that would turn into anther and another until the whole thing was miraculously gone. Instead of repeating this cycle I decided I would look at the label and see how much a serving size actually was, 1/2 a cup uncooked, not to bad. I took out a measuring cup and scooped out one serving. I was utterly shocked, mouth agape and all.
THIS?!? This is what they expected me to eat? Thats it?!
After my shock wore off, I realized how deep in denial I was, about the way I was living. In a way the pasta was a metaphor, yes I am using pasta as a metaphor. I was pretending to be healthy with my food. I would say “oh ya its been a good week!” when really I had maybe not eaten something bad yet today.
After the pasta incident of ’15, I can’t let my self drift back to that denial, I mean I literally haven’t been able to. I usually leave my debit card at home, to avoid temptation at all, but the other day I was trying to convince my self to bring it “just in case” but I couldn’t, I couldn’t find a way to justify it. I have found some of my anxiety about food has been slipping away as well, because I am starting to see food for what I really was intended for, fuel and nutrition.
With all of this soul searching, I have realized that I need to make a plan. A real, written down plan, with steps to achieve my ultimate goal. So that post will be coming next. Thank you to everyone who has been supporting me this far and I cant wait to see what will happen next!