I am sitting here, wondering what to write. Not wanting to write about what I’m feeling right now, because they aren’t good feelings. I have avoided sharing about a big chunk of my life on this blog. Partially because I don’t want to face it. And because I am afraid of the judgement that my come as a result. But I need to talk about this stuff, because it will help me, and might help someone else, and honestly, holding all this in is harming me.
April 6th is a day I will never forget, it was the the worst day of my life. It’s the day that my mom died, at 48 years old, she died of a drug overdose. The corner said if she wasn’t morbidly obese, she may have lived that night. We all knew it was coming sooner or later. Every time she made it through and survived an overdose, I believed more and more that she was invincible. Which explains why that morning was so shocking to me. When my aunt told me, all I said was “stop lying to me”. I thought they were playing a joke on me! I don’t know how anyone could think it was a joke, but I did .When my cousins got in to bed and held me while they cried, I did nothing. I was cold. It was like my mind had flipped the off switch and powered down. I went back to sleep for hours. When I woke up, I knew what had happened, but the finality of those words didn’t register with me, at least not in the conscious part of my mind.
The following months, maybe even years, I spent in bed. Drowning my self in anything the could distract me from…well, life. This is when my bad relationship with food turned unhealthy. I was to overwhelmed with what I was feeling, and I had never learned how to process those feelings and thoughts, so I would stuff my self with any food in my reach, mostly in secrecy. That would only make those feelings disappear for a short time. I felt horrible for eating so much, physically and mentally. So I would go the toilet and purge as much food as possible, until I was numb again. These actions, which I knew were wrong, made me feel horribly guilty. That guilt lead me to self harm, sometimes as a way to punish my self, sometimes because I just wanted to not feel anything. The self-harm would ultimately lead to another binge, and another cycle. This continued on for a long time, I would have moments between cycle’s where I would be doing well. But I always fell back in to the cycle’s grasp because I hadn’t dealt with the grief or emotions.
Since all of this, I have been in therapy and have dealt with some of the grief and developed new coping mechanisms to help when triggering situations come up. But this is the first time I am facing my issues with food, I am not going to it anymore when I feel overwhelmed or upset, so I am feeling these emotions in their entirety. So far this has been manageable, and fairly “easy”.
As the days get closer to my Mom’s birthday (March 28) and the “anniversary” of her death (April 6) I hate calling it an anniversary, its not a happy day, but what else do you call it?
I have been having a harder time dealing, I am not able to let the feelings of grief go. I can’t push them to the back of my mind like I do the rest of the year. They are coming up and the sadness is affecting me and my work. I’m having a very hard time coping with this and continuing on with my daily routine, and working towards being healthier.
Despite how hard it has been, I haven’t gone to food because I want to get through this, and learn what its like to truly feel without relying on food as a scapegoat. I don’t want to have to go through this intensity every year, and I don’t expect it to go away, but with experience, I know I will learn how to deal with the grief in a healthier way.
So, I am here asking you if you have any advice to help me get though this, I know I am not alone in my experiences and hopefully me sharing part of my life, will help one of you realize that you aren’t alone either. This is the most scared I have been writing a post, part of me is fighting not to click “publish”. But I need to start letting this chapter of my life go, in order to truly start a new healthy, and happy one.
See you on Monday