I Think That’s Me Under There…

Personal style has always been a big deal for me, I can remember shopping with my grandma as a kid (one of her favorite activities) and just being in awe of all the different clothes and styles. I tried my hand at making fashion videos on youtube, and failed because I wasn’t representing myself!

I have always loved the versatility and choice you get with coming up with your own style, you can literally create emotions and stories and make your self feel and look like a completley differant person by changing really small details in an outfit! Considering my strong feelings you would think that I would have had quite the wardrobe, or at least experimented with my clothing or style, but nope! Because I was so overweight, I could only fit in selected clothing. I wore what I could, not what I wanted. I remeber constantly going to Forever 21 or TJ Maxx and scouring thier plus size section in hopes of finding something that somewhat represent what I felt my personal style was at that moment. But I could never find it, what I wanted was accross the isles on the racks that took up the rest of the store.  I am not writing this to look or ask for sympathy, I made my self that way, it was my fault. As a high schooler with many personal and family issues going on and being deep into my addiction with food I didnt see it that way, I tried so hard to be who I knew I was inside but the weight held me in and kept me so incredibly isolated. Not only from the clothes, but from being who I always knew I was as a person.

As this weight comes off I am getting closer and closer to being able to fit into “normal” clothes and I am getting nervous! The thought that in the next 6 months (or sooner) I will be able to walk into Urban Outfitters and actually be able to shop and buy clothes, instead of admiring them from afar,  is overwhelming! I’m worried I won’t know where to start because I have never had the option to choose the clothes I want to wear. I have just worn the few pieces of clothing that actually fit.

Things are happening and my body is changing faster then my mind can keep up! Just last night my aunt said she could see the muscle in my elbow, she was surprised! I had to buy new underwear because the ones I had we literally falling off of me, my butt couldn’t fill them in anymore and I couldn’t deal with pulling them up to my boobs (speaking of which, they seem to be shirking every day! I can’t keep up!)! I don’t know what the exact point of this post is, other than to express that I am overwhelmed and excited, not just to buy clothes, but to explore and experiment with my style, and I am excited to finally start seeing the changes in my body. I am just beginning to truly see my body, not the blanket of fat that became my security and my armor and if I continued on, my death sentence. And I am excited! I don’t know if I have ever been excited about looking in the mirror before, or going shopping, but I am getting a taste of that and it’s driving toward my goal more and more! I really hope that all of you out there get to feel this feeling as well, it’s not something I can really describe, but its amazing!

If you guys want me to do more style or clothing related posts defiantly let me know below! One of my ultimate goals is to start and fashion blog, not to just showcase my own style, but others as well!

How is your journey going so far this week? Have you had any hiccups, I certainly have! But I am moving forward and that is all that matters! See you on Wednesday for my week 23 weigh in!


Author: Ruzele

I am a twenty-six year old lifestyle & health blogger / YouTuber living in Orange County California. From documenting my weight loss of 150 pounds to everyday life/healthy living, my content covers a range of topics and issues! Want to chat? Send me an email!

17 thoughts

  1. Just yesterday I bought a bunch of new tops and a skirt coz things are fitting so much beter now – in fact I cant believe am already confident enough to wear skirts although am relatively just a beginner on this weightloss journey. I too shudder to think what all i could wear in say a year’s time when hopefully i might have a solid drop to show. Funny thing that you mentioned undies coz for the first time it feels nice to have the elastic band stay on my still-humongous belly and not snap down under it as it used to. My bra straps are straining lesser under the weight of my boobies such that i can wear them longer in the day without the strap cutting into my skin. And to think i still have scores of miles to go with the weightloss – i will go positively mental if i actually manage to ever fit into any non-X size. This post of yours spoke volumes to me. Love you more every day😘

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s awesome! I have been getting all my clothes from Walmart because they are cheep and don’t need to last me too long! haha! But Walmart doesn’t really provide much option as far as style goes! They do have a good range of those control underwear though, and sports bras which I have moved to wearing because I cant keep buying new fancy ones and getting rid of them! lol
      I cant wait to get out of the x sizes as well, I dont need to be a small, but just to be out of the “x” will be amazing! Im in like the 1x-2x range at the moment. You can totally do this and I am sooo excited for you! Love you too! ❤ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    2. GIRL! What you said about the elastic band and the bra straps is SO RELATABLE.

      This might be strange, but I’m near giddy to find other women on the same journey as myself. Other women discovering their inner strength and achieving their goals.

      Keep up the motivation guys – I’m struggling but every day I come and read your posts and comments and feel a little stronger.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. In my 36 years, I was only a “normal-ish” size for about 2-3 years. I can remember running into some of the same things you mention in your blog. Once you’re of a size that there are plenty of clothes and styles, what do you do?

    By the time I was starting to get the hang of it, I was once again too large to fit them.

    I think the most important thing is to try and stay as calm and de-stressed about it as possible. It takes people years to build their own style through trial and error. Right now I think of it the same way I think of coming off the OptiFast back to “real” food – I can’t wait to run through the aisles buying all this good, healthy, yummy food – but at the same time I’m nervous AF because I know I have to do all the work between now and then of getting a good firm handle on nutrition and what MY body needs to function optimally.

    We’re right here with you, girl!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. yes! I definitely need to not stress about it! cause that may drive me to food, which would be pretty counter active!
      Ya I have spent quite a bit of time trying to mentally prepare my self for the transition to maintenance, I am still probably about 80 pounds away from that, but it is scary to think about. Trying to face my demons and work through my relationship with food now so it makes the transition easier! Thanks so much for the support ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  3. this is another great step in redefining yourself, beautiful!
    please do write about style, it’s so interesting to see what other people love or hate in clothing or make up
    and it’s amazing that you posted this just at the same time when I’m clearing my wardrobe and working on my own style! ha! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you CF! Haha ok, I will write more, you have been warned, I don’t really know what I’m talking about! I’ll figure it out as I go! Me too, I love seeing other peoples style, its so interesting! Great minds think alike! 🙂
      Thank you for your support as always, i love seeing your comments! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think I’m in love with you. You’re an amazing person, an amazing writer, and I relate to the words you put on the page SO MUCH.

    That’s got to be one of the things I’m most excited for myself – the options that will open up fashion-wise. I cannot wait to wear a cute dress that doesn’t have an empire waist. I cannot wait to wear a shirt that hugs my curves and doesn’t hang to hide the fat.

    You are so inspirational, and I love love LOVE reading your posts.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. haha omg Dani you are so sweet! That’s so nice to hear! Haha yes I cant wait to be able to wear skin tight shirts! I love reading your comments! ❤ keep up the hard work! You will get there! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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