I have been wearing the same 3 outfits over and over again over the past few months and yesterday I decided enough was enough. I haven’t been shopping because I am losing the weight and would only be able to wear the clothes for a small amount of time. I think I also didn’t want to get comfortable at a weight that wasn’t my ultimate goal. This was perpetuating my inability to accept myself as I was and constantly critisice the way I look every time I looked in the mirror. Fast forward to yesterday, I knew I had to get clothes that I felt comfortable in now, because I was starting to become extremely self critical, and wearing clothes that I wore 96 pounds ago wasn’t helping my mindset.
My aunt came with me, because I don’t really know how to shop. It was a blessing to have her there because she kept me grounded and from getting to wrapped up in my own head. After a few mini freak outs I finally relaxed and started choosing clothes to try on. After about 30 minutes I had a good selection of clothes, I doubted any of them would fit me. I reluctantly made my way to the dressing room and started trying on clothes and something I have never experienced before happened…. They fit! Not just the 3x’s, but I mostly fit into 2x’s! What is life?!
Down at the bottom of that pile of clothes I had chosen was a high-rise, hot pink bikini. I don’t know if this was just hopeful/wishful thinking, but I brought it back with me and I tried it on, it fit! Before I post this photo I feel like I should preface this with saying: I am still 239 pounds, I am still fat, and because I have lost almost 100 pounds I have loose skin, and rolls and folds….I am not perfect and don’t intend to be. This is really intimidating posting this, I am trying so hard to not be critical of myself. Enough blabbering…
Trying on these clothes and having them fit was an incredibly rewarding experience, and I ended up buying some clothes that I actually want to wear, instead of settling for clothing that I can wear. I also bought my first hat!
Did I buy the swimsuit? No, but I learned an extremely important lesson from that bikini:
I am still a long way from where I want to be, and holding out on loving myself does nothing but hurt me. I have to work every day on accepting and loving myself and my body in every single stage. I want to be able to look back on this journey and not have any resentments or bad feelings about myself. I want to look back and be proud of who I was during every single step! And so that is what I am going to do!
My name is Ruzele, and even though I want to change my body, I love it for how it is in this moment.
I hope you guys enjoyed this post! I have posted some new youtube videos over the past few days, I will leave them linked below! How was your weekend? Have you ever learned a valuable lesson that you dint expect? Let me know down below!