I hope you guys are ready for a post that digs deep. I didn’t know I was going to open up this much about my life, but I did for reason and I hope you guys can take something away from this to help improve your life ❤
For whatever reason last night I was feeling super nostalgic. I broke out some dvd’s that have old home videos on them and spent about an hour watching, in awe of my early 2000 chokers and bandannas. Amongst the footage, I found one clip that I posted to Instagram that rang so true to my life right now, I couldn’t help but share it:
I grew up singing and performing, most of my childhood revolved around my time with Park City Music/Conservatory and performing songs from pretty much every Disney production you can imagine! I loved it! Watching this clip in particular struck me so intensely, I had to get these thoughts down on paper. Here are the lyrics:
“I’ve got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret
Or make me frown
I had strings
But now I’m free
There are no strings on me!
I don’t know if I can fully express how much hearing these words affected me, especially seeing my younger self singing those words.
They can be applied word for word to the 100 extra pounds I carried around with me. My entire existence revolved around my weight. It was the first thing on my mind when I woke up and the last thing when I went to sleep. Not only my weight, but my reliance on food and, for a good 4 years, my addiction to purging and self harm. It weighed me down like…well, like I was walking around with 200+ extra pounds on me! I thought that by eating and bingeing I had control over something in my life, but I didn’t! The food and the addiction controlled me. You can’t ever make an addiction disappear, or fully heal it. Once you have an addiction it will be there your whole life and it becomes your responsibility to put in place habits and behaviors that counteract that addiction. It’s your responsibility to take your power back! While this is still something I am working on, I can say that its the first time in my life that I have felt free, free from the addiction to food and free from the self destructing behaviors. I have realized how much life is worth living and that is a feeling I will always chase.
I’ve got no strings
So I have fun
I’m not tied up to anyone
They’ve got strings
But you can see
There are no strings on me”
These lyrics mean so incredibly much to me. Growing up my mom was sick, she struggled with many mental health issues, an addiction to prescription pills and food, and was morbidly obese. My mom loved me, more than I have ever seen someone love another person, but she didn’t know how to healthily express that love and how to teach me to be an adult. I also grew up with an abusive step father who was morbidly obese. I had these people who were supposed to be rasing me to be a functional and healthy adult, but mostly taught me unhealthy habits and how to destroy myself.
I was tied to them in such an unhealthy way and have every excuse to use as to why I ended up 335+ pounds, cutting and purging my way to an early grave. But those excuses don’t matter! When you use an excuse, that is placing emphasis on the past and keeping you from taking responsibility for the now. Taking responsibility now is the only way you can change bad habits and create a better life for yourself. You may wonder how I am not completely screwed up, trust me I wonder that too, sometimes on a daily basis.
There is an answer to that question. I was so, and still am, blessed to have my aunt in my life, she worked so hard, and set such and amazing example. She has never stopped fighting for my health and well being. I was also blessed to grow up with my 2 cousins, who are pretty much my sisters and my best friends. I had these people who wanted more for me and I believe, with every fiber of my being, that they are why I am here today. Not only just alive, but also living a functional and healthy life. While I don’t always make the best decisions, I know what it feels like to not have those strings tying me to unhealthy people and unhealthy behaviors. I will never allow myself to be in that situation again.
I didn’t know at the time I performed that song, just how much those words applied to my life. I didn’t know how tied down and controlled I was by the people around me and my environment. I didn’t know how much of a journey, and how hard it would be to cut myself free. I think I was meant to sing that song for my future self. To recognize where I came from and enable me to be grateful, despite the things I have been through, that I am alive, healthy, and strong today, and have a drive for a better future.
See you on Monday,